Though love is a powerful force, relationships are many times anything but ideal. Romantic films, poems, stories, and songs have created impossible standards for what it means to be in love. While there is a sense of beauty and excitement present when two people fall for each other, a bond meant to last for a long time is going to be tested time and time again. Unfortunately, many people point fingers at their partners before they ever think to address their own flaws or shortcomings. If you want to keep your relationship thriving, you need to get your own house in order.

Intense Emotional Moments 

It is rarely easy to recognize your own shortcomings. When you spend your entire life in your own head with your own thoughts, what comes up will naturally feel “normal.” Sadly, your own thoughts and emotional responses are not always to be trusted. This is easiest to understand when you get into a fight with your partner. Try to think about a time when the argument got heated and escalated to a new level. What triggered this? Did your significant other say something that touched a nerve and caused you to lash out?

More often than not, the need to defend your actions is telling of a problem you have with yourself. If your spouse is asking you about work and you are miserable at your job, you might start to get mad. When you don’t recognize how much you dislike the work you do, you might be even more intense with how you respond to a simple comment or criticism. Pinpoint these intense emotional moments and focus solely on the “why” of it all. This takes the pressure off your partner and helps you realize your control.

Control and Contextualize 

Recognizing what’s bothering you is only a small step in a much longer journey. Starting the process is the hardest part, so don’t feel discouraged if you’re struggling to take action after noticing a problem. The more you ask yourself why you react the way you do, the easier it will be to see what specific actions to take. For many people, addressing these personality traits or thoughts can feel like fighting “who you are and always have been.”

While changing yourself for someone else on a superficial level isn’t wise, you would be foolish to ignore the deeper parts of yourself that need to be adjusted. Sometimes, this will require swallowing your pride in significant ways. If you’re always upset that your partner isn’t cleaning the house so you let it fall into a state of disarray as a “lesson,” you are only hurting your relationship. Tactics bred of a passive-aggressive mindset will only produce bad results. Instead of pointing out what someone isn’t doing, take on the task yourself and focus on what he or she does do.

Teamwork Makes the Dream Work

Accepting responsibility and recognizing your own faults is useful in many ways. Mainly, it will help your partner start to look at his or her own actions in the same way. Instead of fighting over what each of you believes the other needs to improve upon, you’ll be able to have more open conversations in which you discuss your own complicity. It might be bumpy or intense at first, but practicing introspective habits will start to diminish the frequency of which you fall into tiffs.

Though love can be a splendid and invigorating emotion, there are also plenty of challenges that will appear throughout your relationship. By learning how to address your own role in your disagreements, you will transform the way you approach obstacles. Stop attacking your partner and strengthen your relationship with new habits that help you both become the best versions of yourselves.